I hear the silence even now.
I see the dark of my closet surrounding me and feel the tears burning as they pour down my face.
I am hoarse from yelling “I don’t want this!” over and over again.
My chest feels like it is going to explode from my heart racing so ferociously. I can’t breathe. Even my lungs are protesting.
The silence is deafening.
I hear verses float through my head: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”
I scream them too.
God, why aren’t you comforting me? Why aren’t you saving me? I’m mourning like I have never mourned before. You didn’t promise me ease, but you did promise me your presence. Where is your presence? Where are you?
Two years later, I still don’t know what to make of the silence. I don’t know why depression hinders the experience of God. I see countless ways God intervenes in my life, but I struggle even now to feel Him as before.
Months ago, I reached an end. I had no fight left.
Then a cloud pulled back. I caught a glimpse of my reality. Somewhere along the way, somewhere in the darkness, I had chosen to do life on my own. I had decided that since I wasn’t experiencing the presence of God, I couldn’t count on Him. I would need to take care of it.
The problem was I was making an outright mess. I was striving with everything I had, and all I could show for it was complete exhaustion.
I had traded in the truth that God is good all the time and the promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me for the lie that God can’t be trusted. It wore me out.
God, in His tender graciousness, allowed me to give it a go.
Now, I believe, He is right here helping me open my hands. He let me throw my fit, and now He’s helping me settle back down and rest in His goodness once again.
I still struggle to feel God’s presence, His comfort. I don’t know why. More days than not, however, I am able to rest in what I don’t know. I am able to trust even though I don’t understand.