Hard happens in every life. Most bounce back, whether by health or denial. For me, this season has robbed me of resilience.
Wounds have run deep ruts I have not had the strength or endurance to climb. I have screamed and yelled and begged for rescue.
But I didn’t really know what I was asking.
My picture of rescue was to be lifted out of the valleys. I wanted the pain to go away. Healing would mean the fear that grabs me so tightly would strangle no more, and the explosion of sorrow in my heart would be snuffed. I wanted to be fixed.
In the past days, I have seen the glimmers of healing. Hope flashing in the pit, as if a gem catching the sun.
I saw it, and it caught me. It’s lightness stayed with me. And so did the pain.
I see this to be true: healing does not come in the disappearance of pain but in the learning of how to sit with it.
Healing does not soften the blow of the offenses that run so deep. To lessen the pain would be to dismiss its impact. Part of my healing has been to name those places and agree even with myself that they matter. No, healing does not remove the pain.
My hope glimmered in the place where I sat with my pain and didn’t feel the choking of fear.
At the depths of the pit that consumed me, I fully believed my pain would kill. I felt as if my body were shutting down. Pain was overwhelming me to a point of death, sucking the very air out of my lungs.
To some that sounds dramatic and extreme hyperbole. But to those who have walked through it, it is real. Depression brings despair even to body and bones and breath.
After months of my hope-speaking counselor believing resilience for me, speaking it over me despite my adamant refusal of its existence, I am beginning to believe it for myself.
I’m ok. Hard things have happened and much of the hard still bears its mark, but I’m ok. The paralyzing fear is at bay. I see the light at the top of the pit, and it’s getting closer. Brighter. One day I might even stand atop it.
Hope is precious. Today it is glimmering.