Last Friday was a hard day. I have had two months of better days and even good days. With all-out abandon, I loved them.
Gratefully, I have been waking up in the mornings ready to face the day. I haven’t been driven by when I could nap or how to avoid social situations I didn’t have energy for. I have been able to think clearly again and actually enjoy parts of my day.
There has even been that magical word hope lingering.
What a crazy thing depression is. It filters every thought so drastically. One day living in color and the next living a silent black and white.
I don’t know if it is a good thing or not that I have been in this long enough to recognize the monster tainting everything. On Friday I fought hard to remember the experience of joy. Even though its scent still lingered, it felt as if it had vanished in the quiet of the night.
My thoughts drifted to hopelessness. They went right back to the place I had spent months trying to escape.
“There is no point.”
“Life is just a purposeless passing of time.”
“Would anyone even notice if I wasn’t here?”
I felt invisible. Alone. Desperate. I felt it deeply. It totally sucked.
It sucked for many reasons. One is the fatalism it brought. Another is the absolute defeat in thinking there might never be an end to the darkness. One can not live without hope, and that defeat took all my hope with it.
I tried to remember. Even days earlier I had felt fully different. Days earlier there had been purpose and contentedness. I had felt the sun and colors made my heart skip a beat. I knew it was possible for me to live outside the darkness.
Darkness shades everything. Even in recognizing the monster at work, I could not change my perspective. I only hoped it would pass.
I had coffee with a friend. I got my toes done. I bought sunflowers. I texted those who know me and told them the day was hard.
And then I took a nap.
When I woke, the world wasn’t quite so heavy. Hope had not quite returned, but I wasn’t drowning. A full night of sleep brought more energy. A morning at church and afternoon on a football field brought even more. Three days later my heart is full and the sun dances again.
It was a hard day. That’s it. It wasn’t forever.
I will remember it passed. I will remember I chose to do things I knew were good for me. They didn’t make it all better, but they were good choices. Healthy, gracious choices.
I will also remember how my mind turned on a dime. I will remember how twisted my thinking became and how it passed. I will remember putting one foot in front of the other and coming to the other side.
I will remember my resilience. It is where hope dwells.