A haunting

During my sabbatical, I am trying to reignite parts of my heart that once burned strong. One of those places is music. It used to absolutely capture me. As my heart has felt unmovable, however, it has lost its appeal. I want to catch that place once again.

For those of you in cyberland who have done the Birkman, you’ll remember the section where it lists your interests and how those interests might fit into a career. I scored a 99 on music. It’s more than a like, more than a passing fancy. It is a need. And for over a year, I have let that need fall silent.

In the past few weeks, I have been hunting down worship songs that stir something in me. Here is a song that has haunted me:

The music captures me. But it’s the lyrics that haunt me.

You are good, good, oh

You are good, good, oh

You’re never gonna let, never gonna let me down.

You’re never gonna let, never gonna let me down.”

With all of my heart, I want this to be the cry of my soul. I want to believe God is never going to let me down.

The problem is that what is so sure in my head is having an impossible journey the 10 inches to my heart. My heart feels so very let down. I stepped out in faith and plummeted into a pit. I don’t feel God’s hands holding me. I don’t feel anything.

I have listened to this song over and over and over again. I have blasted it in my minivan every time I make the drive to counseling. I will do it again today. I let my body feel the pulsing rhythm, hoping that on the 102nd time, the walls on my heart might begin to crumble.

I am praying it haunts me until I can believe it with arms lifted high.

P.S. If you don’t mind, I would love to hear your favorites too–your music would be a sweet gift to my weary heart.


7 thoughts on “A haunting

  1. I love you’re style of music, but maybe the most important thing to remember is that you need to put life into your hands. I had a conversation with a friend about it and it just recently opened up my world, especially as a musician. I just put up a post about the conversation and how it has affected me. Check it out and perhaps it could give you some guidance.

    I hope everything turns out well for you though!

  2. Everything by Andrew Peterson, but his “Light for the Lost Boy” CD often gave words to my broken, confused and mute heart. At the same time a friend gave me All Sons and Daughters, Live. That specific worship CD recognized my inability to get my focus off me, and yet successfully pulled my chin up to see the God whose arms wrapped around me even in the darkness. These days, as I leave my job of 23 years, I’ve been listening to Wakened by the Wind by Susan Ashton–an oldie but a goodie that sings of truths I needed to remember when I was decided on my career. It has been helpful in another time of transition.

      • Might as well buy everything the man has ever created. I think Andrew Peterson reads my journal at night and then makes beautiful poetry out of it and puts it to music. Of course, some of his songs are not about me. But only 3.

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